i did not know how spoiled i was

lets face it. there were days i was placed into so much comfort, so much, so soft that i didn't even notice it at times. the year my best friend lived a 5 minute walk from me. the evenings i'd curl up alone in my bed with wine or coffee and enjoyed a film. desserts being brought to me.
my mom swinging by at short-notice to have lunch with me, or my dog visiting for a while.
(and how i was annoyed by it oh so many times.)
watching l's plays in awe, getting drunk with her and taking pictures in the park.
then going home together; having a home.
being exposed to love, actual flesh&bones love, cruel and beautiful but all above there, in my room, with me, around me. happening. actually happening.
human warmth, so much of it. so much that i did not need or want all of it all the time.
so much that i could chose from what were options for me.
so much that i didn't even know how much it was. and how spoiled i was.
despite my sadness, my longings, my despair - how spoiled i was.
the space i had, 2 rooms.. junked up and incapable to realize how much they meant.
how lucky i was. having all paid for and being so goddamn free.
without a proper plan. how much space there was!
i couldn't feel it then. i didn't know it then. how free i was.
i was not free because i could not feel it then. i am not free now because i can not feel a thing.
what i do now is realize. realize how spoiled i was. it's not that i want the state back.
i have transformed my past, it somehow happened throughout 2013 and is continuing to take shape.
what i do know though is that all i sincerely care about is more than 900km away.
all is more than 900km away. i am more than 900km away.
my particles are here and there. this is not poetry. this is not rambling.
this is real. i can feel it when i touch my body.
i can watch my nerves produce thoughts, and how they do it. i can really step outside and ouch,
i  hear how awful they sound.
hollow hoo hoo.
hoo hoo, anybody out there.
hello, spiders, hello fleas.
i celebrate and loathe you as only you are here.